#16 - Square One? A Rant...

Keegan's Corner

Tonight I bring you the "Ranting of a Madman", as opposed to the slightly less blasphemous "Ramblings of a Madman". The reason for which, is that news of yet another takeover bid has now fantastically "failed", as we (Newcastle United fans) mostly feared.

That being said, it's just one side who have publicly made that statement and it's the same side that was publicly saying how all was going or going to go to plan...

So here we are, 90% certain it's off now instead of 50/50 (percent). Yet, we find ourselves traipsing through the doldrums of social media to see what the so-called Tom, Dick and Harry's whom are "in the know" say. Guess what, it's still not definitive...

No doubt the much-maligned, self-assigned, martyr of Manchester (United) - Miguel "Shan" Delaney is now pissing himself at the prospect of Champions League football, as one of the many comparative minnows fail in their desperate attempts to do away with their dickhead owner.

No doubt those like Luke Edwards will begin their tirade of how he was right and others were wrong, and how they're idiots for ever thinking any different.

No doubt that come tomorrow morning, each recognisable newspaper (but a few) will be claiming that they knew this would happen and it was the inevitable, or maybe that the Saudi's were rightly dismissed - as the PR arm of Mike Ashley's tedious ownership once again reaches out to touch the eyes and ears of a disenchanted customer base. For this is the only communication he knows - via those whom are willing to perpetuate the myth that we are somewhat delusional for having this twat as our temporary custodian. Just as he did on "that" televised edition some 4 or 5 years ago now.

...and people wonder why I hate them robbing bastards (Sky).

So all aboard the gravy train that feeds the Scudamore's of the 'sporting world' with half a million quid off each team - all going to some prick that's contributed to ruining the beautiful game. Fucking fantastic. All whilst teams aren't willing to put that towards a loan signing or the facilities.

Sky may have saved the game some 30(ish) years ago and put the investment in it that it needed to really make it prosper but it's on the verge of destroying it now. Them and the other benefactors - whilst thousands upon thousands of football fans remain out of pocket and screwed over, travelling hundreds of miles to the arse end of neewhere for a poxy 8th vs 9th relegation battle on a shitty Wednesday neet where you cannot even get hyem.

The league is keen to ensure they have their big 5 or 6 these days (oh how nice it's extended beyond 4 now) and then the other 14 either clutch at straws, get a somewhat unique blend for a season or simply strike lucky for a year to finish top of the relegation fight. What fantastic entertainment! Just tonight I sat with 3 lifelong friends on Zoom - not just of my life, but of my auld mans, and we discussed what match-day now means to us. We don't discuss the line up pre-match anymore, we barely discuss the game after because we're all so fed up of the apathy, and not a joyous song or silence is collectively enjoyed in support of our team anymore. It's all just bland. An expensive obligation that ensures we all see each other.

All the while, we have fucking bell ends like Kieron Dyer (thick as mince), Graeme Souness (bitter auld prick) and the Micah Richards if this world (who obviously hadn't watched us all season) try and tell us their expert advice on what we've watched for a full season, some of us for a lifetime, not just when these fucking charlatans were managing our club, playing for our club, or simply had fuck all to do with us.

So not only is TV killing the beautiful game, it's killing the opportunity for people who want a life in football punditry, commentary or presenting from having an opportunity to speak as they find rather than speak based on their biases towards certain managers, teams or owners. It's always good to have pro's on there, of course it is, but they should be forced to do their homework like anyone else.

Why is this all relevant you may ask?

It's relevant because this...this is the state of the 'beautiful' game now. Fans treat with contempt and at an expensive price.

This brings me to COVID-19 and games behind closed doors. Sure, from my fat arse at hyem watching with crowd sounds was better than not in the end, but watching without - it was interesting to hear the players too. I often find myself shouting instructions that the players are, or should, given my experiences at Sunday League level. Yet, the fake crowd noise was such a distant enjoyment from the sporadic nature of a crowd and how it plays it's role in the 'beautiful game'. So frankly, stick your block- sized banners, your stand-sized signs and coordinated-crowd-noises where the sun doesn't shine. It's just another way to clear the path for long-standing, match-going fans to be fucked about again.

Then finally, on the list of things that I want to whinge and whine aboot is the main trigger for this article - this ridiculous bloody takeover.

If ever there was a silver lining, it's that a murderous regime with a terrible human rights record isn't taking us over. Didn't expect that did ya?

Yet, the distinct feeling of disappointment, of distrust in everyone involved and of being cheated surpasses any of the relief that, that may bring - and that's just touching the surface. As you can probably tell - I'm friggin' furious about the outcome.

So we have 3 sets of pricks in this takeover: One is the prick we know (Ashley), two is the pricks we suspect (the Premier League) and three is the pricks who will satisfy us fannies that are whining on. Yet, if we were to ask Joe "I don't care about football" Blogg they'd tell you the Saudi's are the ones who'd treat you worst. How wrong they'd be in this instance.

We've grown to expect contempt from that fat fuck in charge - I need not list his negligence here (I need to keep my mojo), but to be treat with such contempt by a governing body of the game (albeit not the ultimate one) is nothing short of disgraceful. I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that the Premier League (whilst adhering to NDA's, etc.) could have comfortably communicated a progress report of where we were at, where we expected to be soon and when. Instead, nothing - in fact, worse than nothing - suggesting that the media and fans alike were after some form of unreasonable and never ending status update and absolute clarity. Believe it or not you absolute fucking moron's, it's the people that feed your product. Football clubs that are supported by fans, fans that buy merchandise, that buy tickets, that buy TV subscriptions and buy from your sponsors. So show some empathy and at least let people understand that you're not just being deceitful or condescending. If you had any bollocks or simply professionalism, you'd have set a deadline and said "this is what needs done" and "this is when it needs to be done by. Comply or fail." Simple as that. So what exactly has the issue been?

If the leagues' members have voted, or expressed a notion that they don't want this to happen, then really that's of no surprise is it?! If it were Everton or Leeds, or someone we'd be the same, the sad fact of all of this is that it's no longer a question of locality or morality, it's what can be pumped in financially and inevitably that means who has the biggest knobhead owning their club? Let's face it, most of the bastards have done shit to be where they are - and we're stuck with the Victorian sweatshop owner. It's been a case of "if you cannot beat 'em, join 'em" and who better to "join 'em"  with than some of the richest folk on the planet.

People may question the morality of Newcastle United fans throughout this whole debacle, but where the fuck are they when the good people of our own country are being fucked over by Mike "The Leech" Ashley? Fact of the matter is that we care about what we can control - this is our club, we'll take a stand when it's being fucked over - or at least so I thought...

Nonetheless, if governments and United Nations cannot sanction alleged murderous regimes then how the fuck can I, Customer Service Representative or Killingworth? Knobs.

Difference being with these owners, a lot of these new folk have actually developed clubs infrastructure and facilities as well as pumped money into the first team squad - whilst our vulture picks away at the flesh of our club and leaves nothing but the bare bones - an ongoing process that seemingly now won't stop anytime soon. Just more stagnation and backwards peddling to ultimate oblivion just like those from down the road. Our owner is now bored, he's sick and that's that. Premier League survival the immortal motto of an ambition-less regime. One day we might be as screwed as the SMB's and have our own Netflix series.

So much for your fit and proper owners tests and any management of the members in your club. Arse holes.

Above all else, it's only ever the same people who will ultimately be effected by this. Earlier this week I tweeted from my personal account about how I felt people were abusing the use of terminology related to mental illness with regards to the takeover. I still stand by that (albeit not as vociferously as I maybe did originally). However, I share the feeling with those who fairly questioned my stance, the stark reality is that this is not just a vehicle to drag your country into a more liberal world, this is not just meaty roadkill for you to peck and pull away at until you've had your fill, and this is not just another member for you to fuck about and fill up your Premier League club with.

Just like with any club (even the mackems), this is people's hobby, their passion, their go-to-place for a release or for a break, the place where people scrape about for their last few quid to ensure they can spend 90 minutes with their pals in the stands, their community, their people, their city. So show them all a bit more fucking respect. They just want the best for their people.

Make no qualms about it - football without fans is nothing. So for us, our city is Newcastle upon Tyne, and whilst we're here...

Ciao for now 😫

#15 - NUFC 19/20 Season Review

Chris Heron · #15 - NUFC 19.20 Season Review

Keegan's Corner

Approximately a month on from writing an article aboot Liverpool and why we should maybe respect them as worthy champions of England, I sat here festering in me Dad's auld '96/'97 'Entertainers' Toon top awaiting a nothing fixture that I felt would dee nowt to excite or empower - a notion symbolic of an era of Ashley.

Kick off was at 16:00, and had I managed to complete this in time it'd have been released prior to that. But yi kna how I like to waffle...

No doubt some of you will be questioning why I began writing an end of season review and was willing to release it prior to kick off. Understandably so. Normal circumstances would dictate that every game is worth winning, and every point matters, but they didn't today - the reasons why I'll explain in a future edition.

For now, I'll provide a brief season rating for each player that's featured and a comment as to why they've got the score I've given them.

(For clarity's sake I'll be rating from 0-10 with 0 being shite and 10 being belter.)

So without further ado...

#1 Martin Dubravka - 7

Occasional slip ups that he too would be disappointed with, yet with 11 clean sheets and top of the goalkeeping charts with 140 saves (around 4 per game), I feel he has been one of our better performers. This also suggests we haven't been doing enough to protect him.

#26 Karl Darlow - 5

With around half a dozen cup appearances being the only ones to his name, and largely against lesser opposition, our secondary goalkeeper hasn't had much chance to prove his worth this time out and when he has, he's not done much of note (either way).

#2 Ciaran Clark - 5

14 appearances, 4 clean sheets and 2 goals - Clark has been one of our steady performers, especially in the earlier parts of the season. To give a bit of additional perspective, that's a clean sheet in every 3.5 games which based on our league position, isn't all that bad.

#3 Paul Dummett - 5

Like Clark and others - Dummett has a very similar record and hasn't featured as often as he maybe could have done as a result of injury.

#5 Fabian Schar - 4

A poor season for Fabian.

Defensively not as good as his colleagues at the back and a few personal errors that have proven costly, albeit it not too costly overall. At times looks to be lacking concentration and/or focus.

#6 Jamaal Lascelles - 6

Not his best season for The Magpies but there is a noticeable void when he doesn't feature. Across 24 appearances Lascelles has emulated the performance of his colleagues albeit not in goals scored, which aren't of as much concern for a centre half. Jamaal has featured in 7 clean sheets for Newcastle and I feel his leadership and communication is central to that feat.

#18 Federico Fernandez - 7

Our rock for the season, with 32 appearances and 8 clean sheets. Limited in his ball-playing qualities but very much a good, no-nonsense defender for us (this season). This was proven even today when he made one or two vital blocks, despite picking up a needless booking.

#19 Javier Manquillo - 6

Well ahead of competitors in his position, Manquillo appears to have developed into a more reliable right back for the Toon in my opinion. He's been more robust as a defender and has occasionally offered a threat going forward with 1 goal and 5 assists.

#20 Florian Lejuene - 5

For me he is a natural choice to accompany the likes of Lascelles and/or Fernandez. The better of the three as a ball-playing centre half, whilst they do the no-nonsense stuff. Unfortunately though, Lejuene hasn't been fit for the most part of the season. 

#22 DeAndre Yedlin - 5

Unsurprisingly, Yedlin has done more in attack than in defence this season. This has supported my thought that he was more of an attacking wing-back/winger than he was a defender. Often out of position defensively, but capable of getting back to where he should be quickly. He's been poor defensively but has contributed to a total of 7 goals either directly or indirectly.

#17 Emil Krafth - 5

A tough first season and at 25 he needs to be learning quick. Next season will be make or break for this lad. Often not tight enough to his man and seemingly lacking confidence and assertion in his play. Hopefully, this year has been a steep learning curve and next year he comes back stronger, but I'm of the view he isn't the man to progress us as a team or significantly bolster our squad.

#28 Danny Rose - 4

Largely disappointing for me. Poor distribution, unfit, very much looking like a player that knows his best days are passed him. I expected more from him especially as it's not like he's being asked to play in positions that are alien to him. That being said, today made a few good headers back to the keeper. I reckon he'll be off to Leeds to be honest, and I won't be upset if he goes.

#15 Jetro Willems - 5

With a lovely effort at Anfield that most people will remember him for, Willems didn't really get the chance to make the role his own as a result of long term injury. Subsequently, he was sent back to his parent club Eintracht Frankfurt to recover. During his time here, Jetro looked a healthy addition to the squad, (more so than the afore mentioned Rose).

#x Ki Sung-yueng - 3

Made one cameo and was subsequently released. Nowt much to say I guess for this season. Probably had his best spell under Rafa Benitez but was since deemed surplus to requirement. It could maybe be questioned if he was any worse than Bentaleb, but hey ho...

#8 Jonjo Shelvey - 7

A player who I often criticise - his attitude blows hot and cold too often and that's been evident in some of his performances, particularly earlier in the season. Yet, his technical ability and quick thinking at times have enabled big goals to be scored, most notably the one at Sheffield United, which is arguably our goal of the season.

#11 Matt Ritchie - 5

Given the style of football we have become accustomed to in recent years I think it's no surprise we have occasionally seen Ritchie in a more defensive role (not necessarily position) than previous. He isn't the most mobile and is occasionally out of position defensively which has cost us. On the other hand, he is central to the morale we have in the squad, I feel.

#14 Isaac Hayden - 7

An unsung hero for a few years now, his hard work and positioning allow our defence to have a somewhat sustainable rigidity that makes them harder to break down. Yet for Hayden to flourish in this role I feel he needs to be accompanied by an equally athletic player alongside him.

#24 Miguel Almiron - 7

A key player for us this season but largely because of his athleticism and attitude. For teams of our current nature these are two absolute necessities to ensure safety. His ability and desire to press, work hard and make up ground where others are lagging has been paramount to what we have "achieved". It says a lot (about the team) that, that's why he's had a good season though...

#30 Christian Atsu - 5

With only 6 starts to his name and 13 equally forgettable sub appearances, Atsu remains our man with a degree of talent but no footballing brain. Massively frustrating. Poor decision making, poor awareness but a degree of technical ability and skill. Unfortunately, for us to progress he's one to be phased out.

#36 Sean Longstaff - 5

The less ground-breaking of the two Longstaff's. The defensive work has been duly noted and Sean is statistically better in a tackle than Hayden, who I'd argue is our best defensive midfielder. I think there's more to come from him, as there is his brother and it's imperative we nurture them into a midfield that in the summer needs an overhaul. His tackle in the Bournemouth game that led to our first goal really helped us gain the momentum in an emphatic win.

#43 Matthew Longstaff - 6

That goal against Manchester United was a joy to behold, and arguably the most joyous moment of the season. To see a local lad bury one past them was simply beautiful. Energetic but occasionally naive, I think this lad could become a solid Premier League performer, with more game time. It's shockingly bad business, and poor management that has prevented this lad from progressing in recent months.

#42 Nabil Bentaleb - 5

Our most recent scapegoat, I feel he's not as bad as some make out. That's not to say he's been great either mind. I mean, he was at Spurs 3 years ago and took an (arguably) backwards step by being sold to Schalke. Not sure what people expected to be honest. He's a squad filler at our current level but again, one who needs moving on if we're to kick on.

#23 Valentino Lazaro - 5

Admittedly, I had higher hopes for this lad as someone who occasionally watches Internazionale in Serie A. However, I've been left a little bewildered as to why he's not had more game time in the final half a dozen games of the season. I can only assume he hasn't trained well or we've been simply reluctant to change things...

Why loan someone if they hardly feature? Maybe he's just shite...

#13 Yoshinori Muto - 4

Like the vast majority of the squad, Muto is a likeable player who grafts, but has now served his time. He is just one of around a dozen players that need improved upon to take us to the "next" level. With only 8 appearances in the league of which 6 were as sub, there's nothing to really note for Yoshi'.

#9 Joelinton - 4

Fairly shite, first season or not. However, to attribute a score less than a 4 would be to overlook that he's been played out of position and with minimal service. It's not his fault we spent £40m on him. Yet, on occasion the attitude hasn't been there and I feel that's why he's making more enemies than friends.

#10 Allan Saint-Maximin - 8

Without doubt Newcastle United's best player this season. If he could improve his end product then he'd be at a top 6 club, without a doubt. Mesmerising on the ball and our only real attacking outlet. It is no surprise that when we win, Saint Maximin normally features.

#12 Dwight Gayle - 6

As a striker who has proven throughout his career that he's questionable at this level, I feel his experience as a natural goal-scorer would have seen him potentially reach double-figures this season, if started, but he hasn't and so he only has 4 (goals). Yet again he has proven he is a 1 in 3/4 games sort of player, at any level. 

#7 Andy Carroll - 5

Brought in to appease the masses, Carroll doesn't have the fitness required to be called upon more at this level, but when he has been called upon, has been somewhat effective. A shame, really.

#50 Thomas Allan - 5

Just a young'n' who played a bit-part in the FA Cup on one occasion. Nowt much to really be said...

Hopefully, he gets some game time at a lower league club (but not S*nderland) and progresses into a steady PL player for the futrue.  

M Steve Bruce - 6

To judge signings, one has come off and the others not so much (assuming he signed the players last summer) and based on expenditure against return probably a slightly below average window, but I feel it's harsh to really judge on him in this area.

Tactically, well...we seemed to quickly revert to previous type once the new, attacking brand of football didn't appear to be working. So, make of that what you will. I'd argue he did well to realise this and change it in sufficient time - even if it was back to a version of the previous managers tactics.

On the media front; "How's the bacon did you say?"

Wey to be honest Steve it's not the best.

If comments were bacon then Steve's are overcooked and have subsequently left Geordie mouths burnt, and with a bad taste. Pandering to the ownership and questioning the fans views of him isn't really a good way to go about business. That being said, he has been relentlessly pestered and compared (with Benitez). He has undoubtedly had a difficult time with the ongoing takeover bid that I originally blogged about here (almost 19 weeks ago) and he's acted with a degree of professionalism despite being in a position of great uncertainty himself.

Furthermore, he has undoubtedly overcome the expectations made of him and his ability to keep the Toon afloat this season based on league position and how soon we obtained safety. How we got there is debatable however, and so in a future edition it will be time to put my take on 'that' debate...

Overall, this season has been "meh" as the kidz now describe it. (Apparently Z's are cool too). Hence all of the ratings between 4 and 8. There's more to come from everyone and if there isn't they're either over the hill and/or not good enough for the club to kick on - the same as last season for some. Despite a more lengthy cup run, we beat no one of note and finished similarly placed on similar points to last year. Stagnating in mediocrity once again.

I'll be very surprised if next season doesn't end up being "sick" but by varying definition. It all depends on the farcical, ongoing takeover. We shall see...

So there you have it - a boring as shit article for a boring as shit season.

Ciao for now 😉

*(all photos courtesy of the www.nufc.co.uk, The Evening Chronicle and the official Premier League website)